Hey everyone, it's column time again ... I think. I've been trying to get in touch with the new editors all day but nobody seems to know if I need to turn something in. Oh well, everyone gets to read my goofy stuff anyway. Hope you like it:

Is walking to class without the fear of being rapidly propelled into the concrete really too much to ask? Apparently it is these days.
I mean, I’m honestly to the point now that if I slip and fall on my ass one more time, I think I might just sit there and accept my fate as a gravitationally challenged individual. I’m starting to think sitting and freezing would be a welcome alternative to living in constant fear of one of the world’s most essential physical activities.
You know how sometimes when you’re fairly certain you’re about to be shocked by static electricity if you touch your car door, but you do it anyway because walking to Taco Bell is just too much for a Tuesday night? Yeah, well, that’s sort of how I feel about walking these days. I’m only doing it because I know it’s absolutely necessary.
Seriously, Mother Nature’s icy shenanigans are not only making me look like an idiot at every possible opportunity, but they’re starting to affect my social life as well.
For instance, I’ll be all geared up to head uptown for a night of debauchery when I’m sent flying through the air by the dreaded “black ice” patches in my parking lot. I’m down for the count before I ever leave the premises. Rather than a night on the town, I’m left with a night on the couch, nursing my wounds and watching Spaceballs.
I’m starting to get really annoyed.
I’m bruised and broken and things aren’t even beginning to look up. It snows then rains. It gets sunny, then snows again. You know what that spells? Perpetual slippery sidewalks and my own personal hell, people.
Every day I diligently trek through this scary, frozen crap and I either a) fall and make a fool of myself b) nearly fall and pull four muscles I didn’t know existed in the process or c) wuss out all together and just call it a day.
The other day as I was picking myself up from the brown tundra over by King Library, I overheard some kid trying to rationalize all this frigid misery. He said something to the effect that we have to have a few weeks like this in order to appreciate the rest of the warmer seasons.
Man, I’m not going to call him a liar, but that’s just not true. I appreciate the sun regardless.
So as I’m dusting myself off, I decided to tell this guy just how wrong he was and that the cold really isn’t good for anything at all.
But I didn’t.
And not because I chickened out or decided to just let this guy get away with muttering such a silly statement. No, I didn’t set him straight because before I could even get over there, I fell again.
Sigh.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know I’m not the only one out there enduring this traditional Midwestern routine. I realize you’re all hitting the deck and cursing the slick spots, too.
Trust me, I really do feel your pain. I feel it in my elbow, in my knee, in my …
- posted by alec @ Monday, February 24, 2003

 
Ok, so like ALL my columns (mom), this one is mostly sarcastic and fictional. I just think they're more fun that way. I mean, I really don't have a lot of money at this point in my life, but whatever, it's not that bad. I just like going a little overboard in my column. So with that in mind, here's my latest (unedited) effort:

The other day I found myself persistently fishing through my coat pockets to determine whether any of the little wadded up receipts and wrappers might actually be a dollar or something. You know, sometimes if you really dig you’ll find some mashed up bills you forgot about after a night at the bars. A buck or two. Maybe a fiver if you’re really lucky.
Well on this particular afternoon my trash was just that. No loot. Just a parking garage ticket and a napkin from Harry’s To Go.
Damn.
And now there’s a line of angry looking sorority girls with armloads of frozen TV dinner things behind me in the self-checkout isle. Yikes!
Stay calm, Alec.
Time to reevaluate the old shopping cart, buddy. What do you really need and what do you just want? A new toothbrush? Did I already clean the toilet with the old one? I hope not. Deodorant? Damn it, I smell. Bread? Why am I buying bread, I still have a meal plan. Fruity Pebbles? Wait, they’re four bucks? You’ve got to be kidding me…
Yeah, I wouldn’t say I particularly enjoy being broke.
Actually, that’s probably a lie. I mean, I’m not that broke. Not really. I eat. My apartment has heat. I have a box of saltines and … why do I have 12 cans of diced tomatoes in my closet? Wait, I have tomatoes?
Whatever, that’s beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not really broke, I just feel like it most of the time.
And you know what? It’s probably the best pseudo-misfortune that could have ever befallen my former liberal spending habits.
I mean, the evil stares in the grocery and the intense guilt I feel when there’s not quite enough change to cover the next round of Natty bottles is pretty awful, but I’m reasonably certain there’s a valuable lesson to be learned from all this:
Being broke sure does suck, but it’s by no means the end of the world.
An important lesson for upperclassmen to bear in mind as we look bleary eyed at the current economy and endless two-year hiring freezes.
Honestly, I still have a blast when I go uptown on the weekends. I just call it quits a bit earlier. Which, by the way, has turned out to be a rather decent practice. Trust me, I was surprised too.
I still eat, albeit considerably less, but that’s probably a good thing as well. Contrary to popular belief, the ladies don’t find the extenuated, chubby gut quite as attractive as once thought.
Anyway, I’m blabbering. I’m just saying that not having a ton of cash to throw around at this point in my life has proved to be more positive than I would have previously imagined. I’m really learning to appreciate the funds I do have and spend carefully whenever possible …
Oh, who am I kidding? Screw rationalizing being broke, I wish I was loaded, too.


- posted by alec @ Sunday, February 09, 2003

 
Dude, it's almost warm outside. It's still that nasy gray, lightless crap we've been enduring for the past 2 months, but, BUT it's warm. And warm is what Alec so craves. He hates the cold and wants nothing to do with it. Anyway, I have some big ol' Latin American politics to read before the 6 o'clock and that's about it. Oh, and I think I applied to DePaul's law school yesterday morning. Not think. I know I did. I haven't actually SENT it in with the 60 bones it costs to process the thing, but it's filled out. I figure, why the hell not? Ok, Hati and Panama are calling.
- posted by alec @ Monday, February 03, 2003